British Idiot
by Aidan Peverell
Summary: Follows the story of American Idiot by Green Day. Draco Malfoy has many problems... all in a twist of lies, surnames, drugs, chicks, and cars.
1. Chapter 1

British Idiot

Chapter One: British Idiot

Everyone in the whole world were being idiots that day. Well, at least according to the brooding 17- year-old Draco Malfoy. Snape, for taking his glory- he blushed a dull pink for thinking about his first mission- Voldemort, for not summoning him after the first disastrous mission, and his mother for ordering a house-elf to keep her up to date with every single happening in his life.

He was currently at his flat in the bustling city of Muggle Paris. He was placed here by Voldemort, and had not been called on since.

'If only something interesting happened around here,' he thought sullenly as he turned on his newly gained Hi-Fi iPod (Christmas present from Fenrir- for giving him the "tastiest flesh he has ever tasted". Greyback's words, not Draco's. Just rubbing in the fact that six first years were turned into werewolves during the lightning- struck tower battle.) Green Day blasted through his ears, completely numbing all of his senses and rendering him sensless.

Draco searched through the channels on the television, found a good jackass show, and watched as American Muggles ate steak cooked under sulphuric acid. He smirked, they vomited, and all was right in his world. He plunged his hand in a shopping bag, and upon finding out that all of his Ho-Hos were gone, called for the bumbling house-elf that was supposed to be watching over him (actually laughing next to Draco and watching jackass) to get the juink- food that he had soon gotten an absurd addiction for. He loved its creaminess (his words, not mine).

Once Draco's storage of Ho-Hos were replenished, he and the house-elf watched jackass.

Author's Note- Yes, I know, tiny chappie. Revus would help me update...


	2. Jos Part I of V: JoS

Disclaimer: I do not own Green Day, or Draco Malfoy, except the one who is bound in leather and chains in my closet. But I DO own Matt and Uno.

Cheers, DMWZ

Chapter Two: Jesus of Suburbia, Part I of V, Jesus of Suburbia

_I'm the son of rage and love,_

_The Jesus of Suburbia_

_The bible of none of the above_

_On a steady diet of-_

_Soda pop and ritalin!_

_No one ever died for my sins in hell_

_As far as I can tell_

_'Least the ones I got away with!_

_But there's nothing wrong with me_

_This is how I'm supposed to be_

_In the land of make- believe_

_That don't believe in me!_

Draco Malfoy got out of his bed and stretched. The hard core TV watching agenda was rather bringing him down. He stumbled

downstairs and took out a beer from the refrigerator. After a healthy swig, he called his friends and told them to come over. He hung up

and looked around his room. There was everything on the floor- from dirty underwear to a Bjork CD (don't ask) to apple cores strewn

across the floor. "_Sourgify,"_ muttered a slightly disgusted Draco, and

he traipsed back upstairs to take a

shower. He walked through the slightly grimy hallway and into the bathroom, which was too disgusting for words to describe. He tripped

over a peice of broken tile and landed in the bath. After getting up and cursing and various languages (some only known to hydras), he

stripped and got into the shower.

The water temperature was sporadic, often switching from freezing cold to boiling hot, leaving Draco with various red spots and boils. He

managed to clean himself

and got out of the death trap that is usually known to humans as a shower, then prepared gel to style his hair. He looked into the mirror

and began to fashion his hair. Draco Malfoy had certainly changed from

his last year at Hogwarts. He had a peircing on his lip, dark circles under his eyes (from the more than generous amounts of kohl put on

his eyes), and his head was

shaved into a mowhawk style. He thankfully realized the beauty of his hair and did not dye it.

After spiking his hair into a defying gravity style, he trudged downstairs while putting on a black shirt (rather tight, with an axe on it) and

cargo pants. Draco shoved a mixture of pop rocks and ritalin into his mouth for breakfast and was downing Coke when the doorbell

rung. "Coming," he answered and slowly walked to the door. "Hurry the hell up, it's too hot out here!" came the reply. Draco rolled his

eyes and opened the door. His two friends came in, stamping out their cigarettes and making sure their mowhawks were intact.

"Come on, dude," said one of his friends, a heavy stoner named Matt. "You've been in here for the whole damn week doin' nutin but

watching TV!"

"Oh, and what have you been doing, huh?" retorted Draco. "Getting stoned and laying girls?"

"Hey," smirked Matt, "At least I'm getting laid instead of watching it on TV like you do."

Draco rolled his eyes and began searching for his black denim jacket. His other friend, Uno, rolled _his_ eyes and sat (sounds to civilized

for him- how about flopped?) down on the couch.

"So what are going to be doing today?" asked Uno. "Club? Arcade? Movies? Highway?"

"Club," said Matt once Draco found his denim jacket. "Draco _really _needs to get laid."

That earned him a punch in the stomach.

"Which one?" asked Draco.

"Dunno," said Uno. "How are you feeling today? Gay or straight club?"

"Straight," said Matt. "You know how Draco likes-"

Yet another punch in the stomach.

"I don't DO bi, OK?" said Draco rather irritably. "Let's just get hammered and laid."

Uno and Matt perked up. They loved Draco's plans all the time. In fact, they love Draco, but they can't convince him to go to bed with

them. Or even gay clubs. They just assume it's beacause he's a brit.

They soon left and Apparated to the straigth club (yes, Uno and Matt are wizards) where a bunch of sleasy looking women hung out,

looking for a date. Matt ran into the knot of whores and came out with a slightly clean looking one named Amber and shoved her into

Draco's arms.

"Already paid her," said Matt. "Have fun!"

After smacking Draco's butt and winking at Uno, he strutted into the club and started dancing to the emo music playing.

There was a moment of silence between Draco and Amber.

"Wanna dance?" asked Draco, silently thanking Matt for Amber.

"_Oui,"_ came the reply and she and Draco went into the club.

_Get my television fixed_

_Sitting on my crucifix_

_The living room in my private womb _

_While Mom and Brad's away_

_To fall in love and fall in debt_

_To alcohol and cigarettes and Mary Jane_

_To keep me insane _

_Doing someone else's cocaine_

"Sooooo," asked Matt the next day.

"So what?" answered Draco.

"HOW WAS THE LAY?" yelled Matt, getting annoyed.

"Fine," muttered Draco.

"Details?" pried Uno.

"She fucked me like Helen of Troy with her ass on fire, happy?" snapped Draco.

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn," chorused Matt and Uno.

Draco didn't even know _why _he hung out with these pervs. That was why he burst out laughing after Uno's next suggestion:

"Why don't you move in with us?"

"Why?" said Draco in between laughs. "So you can lay me 24/7? I am aware of how sexy I am, dudes."

"Fine," sighed a dissapointed Matt. "Be the Jesus of Suburbia."

Next Time:

Jesus of Suburbia Part II of V: City of the Dead

PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSEEEE REVU!


End file.
